Jye Smith in Brazil - South America

What it feels like to be adopted

Another small piece of my story.

Whenever I tell people I’m adopted in person: they often fail to mask their nervousness about what to say next. It’s either “I think that’s cool!” or “That’s amazing!” or sometimes “how do you feel about that?”.  The latter is usually finished with “oh god I’m being too forward! Sorry, you don’t have to answer!”.

We live in a society where, I feel particularly among men, the idea of asking how someone truly feels about something in their life is perceived as too personal.

My story has changed. But I remember for years:

  • avoiding the question
  • pretending it ‘didn’t bother me’
  • and to a point ‘yeah I’m okay with it’

It wasn’t until much later, when I had experienced so much more, that I started answering (and sometimes just internally) – I have no idea how I feel about it.

I had learned over 23 years to surpress feeling anything about it – or so I thought. It wasn’t until this year I’d fully come to accept exactly how the event of being adopted, separated from my birth parents and living a life in a new country, could actually shape the person I am, and shape the life I lead.  Personally, it came down to masking my emotions and feelings (internally and externally) in a variety of different ways.

For adoptees, the question “how do we feel about it” seems to beg for a definite answer. It took me this long to accept that it doesn’t – because we truly haven’t known any different.  It’s the life we’ve had, and we don’t really know how to live any other.

When we look at our parents, we don’t see ourselves looking back.  When we look at ourselves in the mirror, we can feeling terribly alone. We are, who we know we are – yet there’s always a piece missing.

Loss

For me, and I feel for others – it comes down to acceptance.  I had never fully accepted the fact I had, in some way, lost some part of me and my life.  I needed to grieve, and actually allow myself to feel.  With out – the surpression would have eventually spread worse.

The journey, wasn’t linear, and it wasn’t easy.  But I’m getting there.  Today, I give thanks to the fact I know my birth family, but I accept who I am and the situation I live in.

RUOK? Day

It’s the day when we’re all encouraged to ask someone whether they are ok. This simple act can help reduce the chance of suicide or from spiralling out and becoming someone, or being somewhere, they don’t want to be.

Please – today, ask someone you know (work colleague, friend, relative) – are they okay, and don’t be afraid.